Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize