I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
