i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize