I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
she peed on how many people?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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