This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
