I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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