you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
