I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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