Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Two words: blizzard sex
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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