i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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