turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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