We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
