i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
