Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
