I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
