Grow some girl-balls and come out already
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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