apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
