I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
