i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
