The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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