genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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