Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
