how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
