Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We left the knife in your bed.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
