i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
