Whod you bang
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
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