Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
