I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
