y did u give ur computer a hand job?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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