I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
