I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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