I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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