i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
