He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
