I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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