It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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