I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
