I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
