Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
