I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
