my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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