why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
