I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize