Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
