someone threw a dead crab at me
so let's talk penis.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
