Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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