FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
