he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
