She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize