i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
