i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
