I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
What a dumb baby whore.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
