Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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