i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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