I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
