she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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