she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
