I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
