Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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