I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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