Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
