Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
